We live in a culture that fears grief, denies death, and pushes us to “move on” quickly rather than to be with our sorrow. When grief arrives, it feels like an unexpected guest and something we aren’t equipped to handle. Yet grief is as natural as love—it is the shadow side of loving deeply. In a world obsessed with success and upward mobility, we’ve lost the rituals and communal practices that once held grief in sacred space.
Grief is tidal, ebbing and flowing in unpredictable waves. At times, it may feel like it could overwhelm us, but it is not a sign of weakness. Rather, grief is an essential part of being human, reminding us that everything we love, we will lose. Francis Weller, author of The Wild Edge of Sorrow, describes this as the First Gate of Grief, where the inevitable loss of people, places, relationships, and abilities leaves us raw and vulnerable. Grief’s presence is a testament to the depth of our love, and we must learn to welcome it, not as an intruder, but as a guide.
For many, the path toward healing our relationship with our bodies is a profound grief process. As we begin to dismantle harmful beliefs around food and body, grief shows up in unexpected ways. You may realize that it wasn’t your fault that diet culture failed you, or that your pursuit of weight loss was prescribed rather than chosen. The illusion of control, time lost, and the energy spent striving for an ideal that was never truly attainable—all of these are sources of grief. As you move away from body blame and control, you may mourn not just the loss of the thin ideal, but also relationships, untended harm from anti-fat bias, money spent, or the parts of yourself that were pushed aside in this pursuit. To heal is to grieve what could have been and to honor the parts of yourself that have been disregarded or harmed in this process.
Grief also rises in response to the crises unfolding around us—particularly the devastating realities of climate change, political turmoil, and ongoing and devastating violence. The earth itself is suffering, and as we witness the accelerating impacts of the climate crisis, we find ourselves grieving not just for the loss of ecosystems, but also for the future we once imagined. The heaviness of these collective sorrows can feel overwhelming, but they also call us into action, inviting us to bear witness, to feel deeply, and to respond with compassion and care.
Grief, when allowed to flow freely, becomes a powerful solvent, softening the rigid parts of our hearts and connecting us more deeply to ourselves and others. The Second Gate of Grief, Weller’s reflection on the parts of ourselves that have not known love, calls us to mourn the outcast aspects of our identity—the parts exiled to fit into societal norms or survive systems of oppression. To heal, we must grieve these neglected pieces of our soul and reclaim our full humanity.
Grief is also a form of protest. As we move through the Third Gate, we encounter the sorrow of the world—the grief of the earth, the animals, and the injustice around us. This collective, planetary grief reminds us of our deep connection to all living beings. By embracing this wild and untamable force, we can become instruments of compassion, allowing grief to deepen our love and care for the world.
What if we allowed ourselves to grieve fully, without shame? What if we reclaimed the rituals that remind us of our belonging to something larger than ourselves? In welcoming grief, we not only honor our losses but also rediscover our shared humanity and the vast web of life to which we are all connected. Feeling our grief and witnessing another can be a great honor and relief after holding grief back. Grief evolves when it is released to crash ashore.
Have Your Grief Witnessed
Grief has always been a core element of Body Trust work, and it’s one of the nine key topics we will dive into as part of our School for Unlearning. If you’re looking for a space to process and explore grief, along with other essential Body Trust conversations like menopause and sex and dating, we invite you to join us. School starts on November 12th!
You are also warmly invited to Tending: Accompaniment at the Gates of Grief, a 3-month virtual grief gathering facilitated by Hilary Kinavey and Carmen Cool. Beginning this Sunday, October 20th, we will meet seven times to explore and tend to our grief in a supportive, communal space. If you would like to dive deeper into your relationship with sorrow, this is a space made with you in mind. Registration and more info here.
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